Eyes of V

*Trigger warning to those with suicidal tendencies or thoughts* 

We all know I took quite some time away to myself to deal with a couple of things mentally. While away, I came to realize that there really is a difference between being alone and feeling alone and sometimes I was honestly not able to tell which one was worse.

 You’re probably asking yourself “well why didn’t you talk to anyone?” Girl I tried and it did feel nice for a little bit. But after a while, I started feeling like maybe I was meant to just keep these things to myself because the more I shared my personal feelings and thoughts that I shared with literally no one to a random stranger, I felt worse than feeling judged. The feeling was almost like the walk of shame in Game Of Thrones. 

So, I stayed to myself. I learned a lot, still learning and navigating through a lot but it was almost like a movie navigating through these different emotions. A battle with each emotion. Fighting to tell someone while also fighting back to keep it to myself. 

Being alone felt almost soothing but also lost especially since I’m so used to having someone by my side doing something whether it’s family or friends I always had at least ONE person but for the first time in forever I truly felt like I had no where to go so I had to other choice but to stay to myself. 

Let me tell you, being by yourself for such a long time is peaceful but there are times where it was SCARY. Overthinking became more intense, researching things that I know would typically scare me on any regular day. But it did feel nice to be actually be alone because I felt independent again for the first time in a while. Feeling independent for the first time in a while is honestly a blessing in disguise only because it teaches you how to properly be alone and take care of yourself. 

Now actually feeling alone is a completely different story. Feeling like no one would notice if I disappeared, I cause problems for people and that’s why I actually feel alone and I deserve to feel that way. So many things that made just want to completely give up. I did not have the strength whatsoever. I’m barely getting back majority of that strength. Feeling alone and being alone thought is never a good mix because it leads to so many thoughts and overthinking that you genuinely think there is no end in sight. 

But after a while of reading, watching videos, keeping myself busy, I simply realized that as I much as I want to give up on everything, I know at the end of the day I deserve to experience life to the fullest. I’m allowed to make mistakes because as long as I learn & grow from it I’ll be okay, I do have people that would notice my absence, and I would most definitely like to experience certain things before it truly is my time to go. Plus I don’t wanna do the work myself because I don’t want to end up as a receptionist or office worker in the after life.

If you are a person struggling with the same thing I am or anything similar, just know you are 100% not alone. If you feel like you have no one, you have me. My messages are always open on instagram. I will be leaving resources down below for those struggling. 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.